Winning at Golf

Every now and then I leave home. Like yesterday.

I went to the country club with my son and grandson for our weekly round of golf.

Just as we reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached us. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked whether she could join us.

Naturally, we all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked us and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless club as a dancer, so nothing shocks me any more. If any of you want to smoke, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and I consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

So we agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All our eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

My son's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After we hit our drives and our second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (she was closest to the pin.)

My grandson said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt."

She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze us, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When we arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to us and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch into him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

My granson jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

My son knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

With my grey hair but a better knowledge of the rules of both golf and life, I walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"