How To Be A Wine Wanker in Six Simple Steps

While listening to Mr Anchovy's music it may sometimes become necessary to drink a glass or two of wine. I recommend staying away from those pretentious bottles of "Dry White" because this is simply up-market vinegar.

A good honest red is always way best to begin wine drinking. Often it has been stomped by the earthy feet of French peasants and strained through their used underwear or socks. The flavours are much more intense than white wines.

Once having decided to forego good honest beer, then it is as well to do the wine thing correctly.So that you do not feel a complete fool, here are some hints on joining the exclusive world of wine wankers.

Step 1. The Hold
		Pick up with one hand. Hold by base of glass only. Only thumb and one other finger allowed on top of base. Only ever drink wine from a glass. Harsh as it seems, guzzling from a bottle held by the neck is right out.
Step 2. The Look
		Make a fuss to find a white surface. Try to apologise to someone as you do it. Tilt glass as far as possible without pouring the wine on the carpet. You are looking for "The Tongue" of the wine, as the French say. Take smug enjoyment that you know this, but try not to tell anyone. Say nothing. You know nothing, so why reveal it to the world?
Step 3. The Nose
		Spin the wine in the glass until you get a whirlpool. Try not to launch it onto the carpet or the person serving you the wine. Exhale obviously. Bury your nose in the glass, inhale deeply. Try not to choke or actually draw any wine through your nostrils. This may well reduce your credibility as a wine wanker.
Step 4. I Get
		Look thoughtfully to the ceiling. Say as if to yourself (but loud enough for your target audience to hear) the magic words "I get .." followed by a single thing it smells like. Eg "I get blackberries" or "I get wet straw" Say whatever it it you really smell. If its smells like dog poo, so be it. Just keep it short - no more than a two word description. Say nothing else!
Step 5. The Taste
		Take a small sip. Fight temptation to neck the entire glass. Swish the wine around in your mouth, ensuring you get good cheek movement. Think goldfish. Pause a moment and look thoughtfully to the ceiling again.
Step 6. The Nod
		This is where it all comes together. Face your target audience and nod your head in a single downward movement, while saying "Mmmmm" as if agreeing with yourself.
Why bother?
At wine tastings, or any occasion where there is good wine, there will always be a person who controls the flow of wine. And they want it to be appreciated. Its why they bothered to bring it.You are doing them a service by appreciating it. They in turn will subsequently offer you more. Hopefully lots more.The end result is by the time they realise that you are not in fact a wine wanker you have probably made friends and will continue scamming free wine anyway. Well, that's it for this week. I'm off to hide in the archive for another week. If I can find the key to the door, I'll be back again next Sunday.